Should Children Say Goodbye Too?

For generations, children have been shielded from funerals, and many people still assume they shouldn't attend until they're older. But that isn't a rule. It's only a habit. So is keeping them away really what's best for them?

In my opinion, a celebration of life is exactly the place for them.

Every family is different

As with everything when it comes to celebrating a life, this comes down to personal preference and what each family feels is right. There is no rulebook. But after speaking to many, many people, listening to their stories, and through my own experiences, I have formed some opinions of my own.

The funeral and the celebration aren't the same thing

The funeral itself can be a highly charged, incredibly emotional moment for a family. It's very much a goodbye, at least to the person's physical form. Personally, I have yet to attend a funeral where I felt a child under 13 needed to be present.

But does that mean a child who has lost a parent, grandparent, sibling, or even a friend should miss out on the privilege of celebrating their life? I don't think so.

The memories that stay with us

So many people I've spoken to, now well into their sixties and seventies, still vividly remember being sat in a living room with a babysitter while their loved one's service took place without them. Decades later, you can see they still aren't at peace with it. They never got to say goodbye, and it has stayed with them their whole lives.

Children grieve too. They just do it differently. When they're kept away, they're often left to fill in the gaps with their imagination, which can be far scarier than the reality. Being included, even in a small way, helps them understand what has happened and gives them a chance to say goodbye in their own way.

Of course, it is always the family's choice. Some people choose not to have children at their wedding, and the same courtesy can absolutely be extended to a celebration of life.

When it's a true celebration, children belong there

If a celebration is exactly that, a celebration of the person, their stories, their values and the things they loved, then children of any age can absolutely be included. And in my opinion, they should be.

I have arranged celebrations where children were at the very heart of the day. For one, the grandson's entire school was invited, and they had an incredible time: a bouncy castle, games, colouring in and competitions. Now that was a day full of smiles.

Equally, I have arranged celebrations that were more adult-focused, where children weren't the priority. Both are absolutely fine. There is no right or wrong way to celebrate, but you absolutely can include children, and being part of the celebration can be incredibly healing for them.

Their part might be as simple as coming to a picnic, reading out a letter, or throwing a sunflower into the river. To be included, and to share their own memories, can make a huge difference to how they feel about losing someone they love, both now and for years to come.

Gentle ways to include children

If you'd like children to be part of the day, here are a few ideas that work beautifully:

• Give them a role, if they want one. Handing out order-of-service cards, lighting a candle, choosing a song or helping decorate the venue can help children feel part of things.

• Let them share a memory. A letter, a drawing, a poem or a favourite story can be read aloud, displayed on a memory table or popped into a memory box.

• Create a children's corner. Colouring, crafts and activities, perhaps themed around the person's favourite things, give little ones somewhere to be themselves.

• Plan a symbolic moment. Releasing seed bombs, planting a tree, blowing bubbles or throwing flowers into a river gives children something meaningful and hands-on to do.

• Make a memory jar. Guests of all ages write down a favourite memory for the family to keep and read together later.

  
  

Preparing children for the day

A little preparation goes a long way:

• Talk to them honestly. Use simple, clear language and explain what will happen on the day, who will be there and that some people may feel sad while others may laugh and share happy stories.

• Give them a choice. Where possible, let children decide how involved they'd like to be. Some will want to read something; others will just want to be there.

• Pair them with a trusted adult. Ideally someone a little less close to the loss, who can take them outside for a break if they need one.

• Have a quiet space. Somewhere calm they can go if it all feels like too much.

• Remember it's OK to feel everything. Children may cry, laugh, play and ask questions, sometimes all within a few minutes. That's completely normal.

  
  

If a celebration doesn’t feel right for your child

If you feel that having children at the celebration isn’t the right choice for your family, that is completely understandable. There are plenty of other ways to include them, often in a quieter, more personal way that suits them better.

You might take them on a trip to somewhere special: a favourite stretch of river to feed the ducks, a beach, or a much-loved picnic spot. Let them know that this is your way of celebrating your special person together. Then fill the time with memories:

• Share your stories. Talk about the times you remember, and invite them to share theirs.

• Bring photos. Looking through pictures together can spark memories and conversations.

• Draw pictures or write letters. Something they can keep, or leave behind as a little goodbye.

• Play their songs. Music they loved, or music that reminds you both of them.

  
  

A small, private moment like this can be every bit as meaningful as a larger gathering. What matters most is that children know they were special to your loved one too, and that their place in that person’s life is being celebrated. The one thing I’d always try to avoid is a child feeling left out without understanding why.

If you're looking for more guidance on supporting a grieving child, charities such as Child Bereavement UK and Winston's Wish offer wonderful free advice and resources for families.

Saying goodbye, together

Ultimately, there's no right or wrong answer, only what feels right for your family. But please don't assume children need to be kept away. With a little thought and care, a celebration of life can be a gentle, loving and even joyful way for them to remember someone special, and to know that their grief, and their memories, matter too.

At The Last Hoorah, I help families across Surrey create celebrations of life that welcome everyone, from great-grandparents to the littlest guests. If you'd like to talk through how children could be included in your loved one's celebration, get in touch for a gentle, no-pressure chat.