The End of the Sad Sandwich?

For hundreds of years, we've mourned in much the same way, without really asking why. Loved ones stand up and pour their hearts out about a remarkable life. Then everyone shuffles off for a quiet drink and a sandwich, with no music and no trace of the person's personality.

To me, and to so many people I've spoken to, it just doesn't make sense. So why do we keep doing it? And, more importantly, is it finally starting to change?

The good news is: yes, it is.

How did we end up here?

Much of what we think of as a "proper" British funeral comes from the Victorians. They took mourning very seriously: black clothing, strict etiquette and long periods of mourning. Queen Victoria herself wore black for the rest of her life after Prince Albert died in 1861, some 40 years.

Over time, the black crêpe and strict etiquette faded, but the sombre mood stayed. A solemn service, followed by tea and sandwiches in a church hall, pub or function room, became the default. Not because anyone decided it was the best way to remember someone, but because that's simply how it was done.

And when you're grieving, it's very hard to question "how it's done".

Times are changing

Across the UK, more and more families are deciding that a quiet hour and a curled-up sandwich isn't how they want to say goodbye. The numbers speak for themselves:

• 68% of people now believe a funeral should be more of a celebration than a time of reflection, up from 58% in 2019 (Co-op Funeralcare).

• Over half of funeral directors say they're seeing a move away from tradition, with families wanting something unique that reflects the person's life.

• 89% of funeral directors have arranged a service where mourners were asked to wear their loved one's favourite colour.

• Celebrations of life now make up around half of all UK funerals, up from 31% in 2017 (SunLife).

The days of everyone dressing in black, whispering and slipping away early are slowly being replaced by colour, music, stories and laughter…finally! 

What's driving the change?

There isn't one single reason, but a few things have made a big difference:

• The pandemic. When funerals were limited to just a handful of mourners, many families felt robbed of a proper goodbye. It made a lot of people rethink what really matters, and many went on to hold bigger, more joyful celebrations once they could.

• Fewer religious services. As fewer people choose a traditional religious funeral, families feel freer to create something that reflects their loved one's beliefs, humour and passions.

• Separating the funeral from the celebration. With more people choosing a simple or direct cremation, the celebration can happen later, at a time and place that suits the family.

• People planning their own send-off. More of us are telling our loved ones what we'd like, and very few of us say, "please make it sombre".

• We're talking about death more. Slowly but surely, it's becoming less of a taboo, and that opens the door to new ideas.

So what does a joyful celebration look like?

The beauty of a celebration of life is that there's no template. It should look and feel like the person you're celebrating. Here are just a few of the ways families are doing it.

Somewhere that feels like them

• Their local pub, golf club, cricket ground or allotment

• A garden party, a beach, a woodland or a favourite walk

• A barn, a village hall dressed with their favourite flowers, or even a boat

  
  

Music that tells their story

• A playlist of their favourite songs, from Sinatra to football anthems

• A live band, singer, DJ, choir or bagpiper

• A sing-along, karaoke or a dance to their favourite tune

  
  

Food and drink they loved

• Fish and chips, a hog roast, a curry night or a pizza van

• A signature cocktail named after them, or a toast with their favourite tipple

• Their famous recipe, cooked and shared by family

  
  

A splash of personality

• A dress code in their favourite colour, team shirt or a theme they'd have loved

• A memory table with photos, keepsakes, medals, hobbies and treasures

• A slideshow or video of their life, or live-streaming for friends far away

• Their four-legged friend in pride of place

  
  

Something to do together

• A quiz about their life, their favourite games, or a raffle for their chosen charity

• A sponsored walk, run or swim in their honour

• Planting a tree, scattering wildflower seeds or writing messages for a memory jar

• Keepsakes for guests to take home, like seed packets, recipe cards or a photo

  
  

Does this mean the end of the sandwich?

Not necessarily!, but we hope so.  We have nothing against a good sandwich. If your loved one was famous for their egg and cress, or never went a day without a cheese and pickle, serve it with pride.

The point isn't to ban tradition. It's to make sure every choice means something. The "sad sandwich" isn't really about the food at all. It's about a goodbye that's been put together out of habit, rather than love and thought.

Joyful doesn't have to mean loud

Not every celebration needs a band and a bouncy castle. For some families, the most meaningful goodbye is a small gathering on a beach at sunset, or a quiet dinner with their loved one's favourite food and a few heartfelt stories.

A celebration of life isn't about pretending to be happy. There will still be tears, and that's exactly as it should be. It's about creating a day that reflects the person, brings people together and leaves everyone feeling that they truly honoured them.

Out with the sad sandwich, in with the last hoorah

Times are changing, and we couldn't be happier about it. More families than ever are realising they're allowed to do things differently: to fill the room with music, colour, stories and laughter, and to give their loved one the send-off they truly deserve.

At The Last Hoorah, we help families across Surrey create joyful, meaningful celebrations of life, whatever that looks like for them. If you'd like to explore some ideas, for a loved one or for yourself, get in touch for a gentle, no-pressure chat.